


My Heart's a Virgin, It's Never Been Tried

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Friendship/Love, Funerals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Older Characters, Pining, Psychological Torture, References to Mind Rape, Sexual Content, Unrequited Love, reconnecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2019-06-16 03:49:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15428397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: After years of not seeing each other, Jim visits Spock on New Vulcan for Sarek's funeral.





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> More tags will be added as needed.

I was shaken awake, not very gently. I blinked rapidly at my aggressor. A shuttle crewman who now gazed at me rather sheepishly.

“Sorry, Admiral. But we’ve reached our destination.”

I blinked again and shook my head to get my bearings. “New Vulcan?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Didn’t we just leave?”

But of course he gave me a sympathetic look. One of those ‘poor old people’ looks.

“No, sir. You fell asleep shortly after take-off. If you need a wheelchair or other assistance disembarking, I’ll-”

“Forget it. I don’t need help,” I snapped at him. 

“Sorry, sir.” And he moved off.

I supposed I should feel bad for snapping at him. But, hell, I wasn’t that old. Or was I?

My bones and limbs told me otherwise as I stiffly struggled out of the seat. I had to hold onto a bar as I did so and my muscles cried out in protest. I winced at the pain and took several deep breaths before I could will myself to move toward the exit.

Everyone else seemed to have departed already, judging by the crew members hovering by the door, both the one who had awakened me and a female wearing an ensign uniform.

“Business or pleasure, Admiral?” she asked politely. There was something about the ears, slightly pointed, and the eyebrows. I suspected she had some Vulcan in her, though I did not know her.

“Not pleasure,” I replied. “Nor business. A death. I’m here for a funeral.”

“I’m sorry, sir.” She hesitated. “Ambassador Sarek’s?”

“Yes.” I searched her face once more but no, I could not place it. Her. Where she came from. “Thanks for the smooth ride.”

I made my way down the ramp, slower than I used to be able to do, but I didn’t need to stop to rest on the way, so I considered that a win. I was in pretty good shape, really. But all those old injuries Bones healed had a way of creeping up on you eventually. They’d crept up on me anyway.

A young Vulcan male stood to the side and when I reached the end of the ramp, he approached me. “Admiral Kirk.” He made it a statement rather than a question.

“Yeah.”

“I am Saulvek, son of Spock.”

I nodded. “Sarek was your grandfather. I grieve with thee.” I remembered him as a boy, small, and intense, even then.

“I have been asked to escort you to accommodations, sir.”

He looked a little like Spock but also like Spock’s wife, T’Lure, the Vulcan female he had bonded with after our second five year mission. Saulvek had been the result of their union. I had been at their bonding ceremony together with Bones, Scotty, Uhura, and Sulu. Scotty and Uhura would marry shortly after that.

During that five year mission, Spock and Uhura had ended their romantic relationship for good and then later, Spock had arranged, through his father, the bond with T’Lure so that he could finally help with the repopulation efforts of their species.

I had not seen Spock for a number of years. Not since T’Lure’s funeral ten years earlier. Then was when I’d last seen Spock’s son, too.

Saulvek reached out a hand as though to help me but I batted him away. “I am capable of walking.”

“I thought only of the excessive heat.”

“Lead the way.”

It was strange being back here. The old hollow pain in my chest was almost immediate when I stepped off the shuttle. Or perhaps it had started when I got the missive about Sarek.

We went down several roads and pathways before he finally stopped in front of a modest dwelling. I recognized it. Spock had been living there for quite a while.

“How old are you now, Saulvek?”

“Eighteen.”

God, I could barely remember that age. That boy I was.

Saulvek opened the door with a wave of his hand and gestured for me to go inside. It was much cooler inside though still significantly warmer than I was used to back home.

“Sa-mekh?” he called. “Admiral Kirk is here.”

I braced myself for the sight of the man, the Vulcan, I had loved almost my whole life, and never had. Loving someone who did not love you back was the worst torture.

Spock appeared only a moment later, dressed in the traditional Vulcan robes he always wore now, I supposed. His glance rested on me for only a moment before he turned to his son.

“Thank you, I will see you later.”

Saulvek bowed, taking this as his dismissal, and he turned and went out the door again to the outside.

For a moment we merely stared at each other. I broke first.

“I grieve with thee.”

He nodded. “That is appreciated. I have your room ready here, if you’d like to come with your bag.”

I made my way across the floor to where he stood. Or I almost did. My knee decided to be a bitch and give out just as I reached him.

“Oomph.” I crashed right into Spock, who, as usual was steady and prevented me from going down. I breathed out and winced at the pain.

“Are you all right?”

“Obviously not.” I reached down and rubbed the offending knee. “God, that hurt.”

He hesitated. Still held on to me too. “What is the nature of the ailment?”

“Old injuries from when were young. Arthritis.” For some reason, I felt myself flushing at the admitted weakness. It got worse when I sat for a long time, as I had on the shuttle.

“I will help you.” He did, too, refusing to let go of my arm as he led me down a short hallway to a room.

“You know, I really didn’t expect you to put me up at your house. A hotel would have been fine.”

“To have you stay at a hotel would have been scandalous. My father would have felt the same.” He picked up my bag and brought it to the bed. “There is an attached bathroom, as well.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

He hesitated in the doorway rather than leaving right away.

“Was there something else?”

“You-you look well.”

I shrugged. “Khan’s blood. Made the aging process slow down a bit. Except for these damn aches and pains, anyway.” I smiled. “And tell that to the shuttle crew.”

“The shuttle crew?”

“I think they thought I was an octogenarian or something.” I paused, looking him over. Though he was older than me by a few years, at this point he looked younger. Damn Vulcans. Handsome and fit. Hair without even a little gray, unlike mine. I wasn’t fully gray, no, but it was there.  I felt like an old fool compared to Spock. In my early sixties or not. “You look amazing.”

At that he inclined his head. “When you are settled, come out for refreshments.”

“All right.”

As soon as he left, I sagged down upon the bed, exhausted. I didn’t travel all that way these days. The doctors assured me I was quite healthy and for the most part I did feel that way. I had injections for the arthritis pain but I resisted using them whenever I could. I didn’t want to become reliant on them.

On the other hand I didn’t want to appear feeble in front of Spock. I dug into my bag and pulled out one of the injection shots.

I smiled faintly as I thought of Bones saying, “Don’t be such an infant.”

I readied the injection, lowered my pants and pressed it into my thigh.  It fucking hurt, no doubt about it, but it would be a brief pain whereas I would get relief from rest. Soon enough anyway. I refastened my pants, discarded the shot and moved about the room putting my things away. Spock had made this room cooler than the rest of the house and I appreciated that.

I wouldn’t be there long. Only a few days. But I hated living out of a suitcase. I’d done enough of that over the last few years.

Finished unpacking, I decided it was time to face Spock and his idea of refreshments.     


	2. Firefly Mug

The smell of coffee hit my nose the minute I left my room and it had me rushing out to the kitchen in surprise.

“Spock? Do I smell coffee?”

“You do indeed, Admiral. I am about to pour you a cup.”

I watched in amazement as Spock lifted a carafe off of a coffeemaker and poured some of the dark, fragrant liquid into a ceramic cup decorated with fireflies.

“That’s not replicated.”

“Definitely not.”

“How-how did you get coffee here?”

At that Spock arched his eyebrow at me. “New Vulcan, just like Vulcan before it, caters to the preferences of many different species. We have markets where one can obtain any number of goods. Humans are not the only ones who enjoy the taste of coffee at any rate.”

I watched as he added cream to it before handing it to me.

“You remembered.”

“Vulcans have—”

“Eidetic memories. Yeah I know. Anyway, thanks for going to the trouble.”

“It was no trouble. And you have Saulvek to thank for it as I sent him to acquire what was needed.”

Smiling slightly, I took a sip, pleased with both the hot temperature and the mellow taste. “He looks like you.” I paused. “And her.”

“Yes, his resemblance to both of us is nearly split in half. There is no doubt who is parents are.”

“He has your eyes.” I felt suddenly, awkwardly shy, which was very unlike myself. I watched him fuss with a tray of what looked like hors d’oeuvres. Cut up vegetables, cheeses, crackers, jams, even chips and salsa. It looked weirdly domestic. But then, really, what did I know of Spock’s life these days?

Spock set the tray on the bar counter between the kitchen and the dining room. There were stools set in front of it. Very human decorating style. He had it set up much like he’d had his apartment set up back in San Francisco when he’d had one. Between when I had been revived after Khan and before our five year mission. A long time ago now. I was different then. So was Spock. His life, then, was attached to Nyota. Mine, even back then, to no one in particular. Briefly I thought I might find something with Carol Marcus but that had never worked out right and then she had departed the Enterprise. I had found myself relieved at the time.    

Spock had told me once that his mother had decorated that apartment. He’d had it since he’d come to Earth back in his own Academy days. He let it go when he’d decided to make his life on New Vulcan permanently. Now that I thought about it, I seemed to recall the mug with the fireflies from that apartment.

Somewhere in those old memories, I also thought it had been a gift from his mother and had been a set. I felt sad then. For times we no longer had, for a life cut short too long ago.

“I’m so sorry about Sarek,” I said into the heavy silence. “I didn’t expect his passing at this point.”

“Nor did I,” Spock admitted, softly. “Please sit.” He gestured to a stool in front of the food.

“I feel like I should be taking care of you, not the other way around.” But I sat, holding the mug close to my chest.

“It gives me something to do.”

It took a moment for the lump in my throat to dissipate. “He was sick then?”

“It came on suddenly and the healers were unable to treat him,” Spock replied. “The end was mercifully brief and relatively without pain.”

“Is Nyota expected to be here?”

“No. She and Mister Scott were unable to make the voyage.” Spock paused. “You are the only one.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to say to that.” I’d known about Bones. His daughter was about to have another baby and Bones wanted to be there for the birth of his second grandchild.

“Kaiidth. Lives and time march on.” Spock sat across from me, on the other side of the bar, holding onto his own teacup. It was delicate and intricate with many splashes of color and I suspected my hands would look monstrous holding it, but he managed to make holding it elegant.

“I guess.”

“To be truthful, I had not even expected you to come,” Spock said. “I am aware how busy you are at Starfleet Headquarters.”

“Oh, come on, Spock. There’s no way I would miss your dad’s funeral. I was here for your wife’s too.”

T’Lure had also unexpectedly died. But she had not been ill, at least physically. She had taken her own life. It was wholly and shockingly unexpected among the Vulcans that a Vulcan would commit suicide. But she had. Saulvek had been eight. It had been difficult for both the boy and Spock, given he’d had to endure a suddenly severed bond.

One thing I never knew was if Spock had loved her. He hadn’t when they bonded, as it had all been done quite logically, but he might have grown to care for her. I hadn’t ever asked and I supposed I never would.

“Yes, you are always here when it is needed,” Spock agreed.

“Well. You were there for me when Winona…when my mom died.” I shrugged. “It’s what friends do. What family does.”

“And it is appreciated, Jim, I assure you.”

I nodded and picked up a carrot stick to avoid giving in to the twisted pain in my gut, or perhaps higher up in my chest, anyway, it didn’t matter. I pushed it away with the dip of a carrot in the yogurt dip Spock had prepared.

“I’m sorry no one else could come.”

“They expressed their condolences and that is enough.” Spock was studying me now in that very intense way he had of surveying me. I tried not to squirm. “You are overtaxing yourself.”

“No,” I denied, munching on a carrot.

“Your heart attack—”

“It was just a minor little thing, Spock. They didn’t even call it that. It was just, um, you know, like a blip. I take some medication for it and it’s all good. Even Bones isn’t worried.” I smiled.

“It was from stress and overwork and not caring for yourself.”

“Well, maybe, but I’m taking it much easier now, and anyway.” I paused to laugh. “How do you know all that? I haven’t even seen you in years.”

I must have imagined the little flush to Spock’s cheeks. Spock did not blush. Not that I had ever seen.

“I monitor your health.”

“You…do?”

“Yes, through contact with Leonard. He advised me after notifying me of the incident in the first place. As you say, it is what friends do.”

“Yeah,” I said softly. I looked down at the empty cup in my hand. “This was from your mom, yeah?”

“Yes. It is the only one I have left. Over the years the others have broken.” He took the cup from me. “More coffee?”

The lump in my throat was back, so I nodded instead. And when he had turned his back to refill the cup, I closed my eyes, and got myself under control. It wasn’t easy.  
     


	3. Reflections

Spock was watching me again and it made me feel…not exactly uncomfortable, but, I don’t know, kind of vulnerable.

I popped a chip in the salsa. It was a little different than salsa I was usually familiar with but not a bad taste.

“What’s on your mind?” I asked after a few chews and swallows.

The flush was back to Spock’s cheeks. “Nothing in particular, Admiral.”

“Jim. You aren’t even in Starfleet anymore, you certainly aren’t required to use my made up title.”

“It is not made up. You have earned it.” Spock paused. “I suppose that I am concerned for your health.”

“What for?”

“Jim.”

I sighed. “Okay, listen. I get it. Your dad just died of an unexpected illness. And I had that little heart blip, but it really _is_ nothing and if you have been checking in with Bones, then you know that. Turns out the heart thing was hereditary. Through Mom’s side. And if you’re concerned about the aches and pains, well, that last mission we had that went to hell really fucked my body up, so it’s not surprising I have a little residual arthritis and pain. Most of the treatments for it, I’m allergic to, so we get by with what we can. Frankly if I didn’t have that megalomaniac’s blood running through me, it might be worse.”

Spock pursed his lips.

“And I don’t know, maybe the reaction of those kids on the shuttle here made me feel older than I am for a moment, but trust me, Spock, I’m good. You don’t need to be concerned.”

“I am relieved then,” Spock said.

“What can I do to help?”

“There is nothing. All the arrangements have been made.”

“Okay.” I nodded. “And his Katra?”

Spock shook his head and lowered his eyes. “He did not desire to transfer it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He is at peace and that is all that anyone can ask for.”

I reached out and put my hand on his. He glanced up at me with slightly widened eyes. “Spock, you don’t have to be strong in front of me. I know you and your dad had your…difficult times…but I also know that he was your only parent left. I have some experience with that.”

“Your own mother.”

“Exactly,” I acknowledged. “Mom could be trying. And even in our best times we rarely agreed, but she was my mom and I loved her. And she loved me. It hurt like hell when she died. You feel, I don’t know, orphaned or something, even though you’re an adult and have been for a long time.”

“Yes,” Spock said softly.

“Sarek loved you, Spock. A huge amount. He may not have always shown it, but he did, and he was very proud of you. I saw that in his eyes, in the way he was. You were his greatest achievement, I think. And his death hit you hard. I know.”

I squeezed the hand that lay beneath mine.

“You don’t have to deal with this alone or even just with your son. Maybe no one else could come here, but I did. Lean on me when you need to.”

Spock inclined his head. “I will take that under advisement.” He paused. “I am…gratified that you were able to come, Jim.”

I smiled, squeezed his hand once more, and let go. “Now, if it’s okay, I’m going to go for a walk. I try to get some exercise in every day to keep fit.”

“You look quite fit.”

I snorted. “Tell that to the kids on the shuttle. They actually asked if I needed a wheelchair or something.” I rose up off the stool. “I won’t be gone long.”

“The atmosphere—”

“I know. I have shots, not to worry.”

“It is not as bad as it would have been on Vulcan, but—”

“Spock, I know. I have Triox. I’ll carry it with me.”

“I could accompany you.”

I shook my head. “You have more than enough to occupy you. Spock, really, I’m good. And I know I’m a guest in your home, but you don’t need to entertain me or anything.”

He nodded. “Very well.”

“I’ll be right back.”

I went into the room he’d given me and into my belongings for two Triox shots. I didn’t think I’d need both, but better safe than sorry. I stuffed one each into a pocket and returned out to where Spock stood.

“How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not sure. Why?”

Spock pursed his lips. Then shrugged slightly. “So that I know when to go looking for you.”

I laughed. “Yeah. No. Relax, Spock. I can take care of myself. I won’t overdo. I wouldn’t do that to you. Okay?”

“Yes,” he agreed. He looked like he wanted to say something more but in the end he closed his mouth and nodded again.

I went out the front door, shielding my eyes for a moment from the sun before I remembered I had sunglasses too. I set them on my face.

Right or left? I’d come from the right with Saulvek so it made sense to explore to the left. It was damn hot, that was for sure. But the Vulcans had searched for just such a planet to inhabit. It made me very sad that they’d been forced to do so.

I hadn’t been walking long when I could feel beads of sweat dripping down the back of my neck. I’d probably get sunburned for sure, but so far my breathing hadn’t deteriorated.

It felt kind of good for my muscles to have the heat bearing down on them but I knew that would be fleeting. Eventually all of me would just feel hot.

I hadn’t ever been on Vulcan before its destruction but I had been on New Vulcan before. Not for several years, but it wasn’t completely unfamiliar.

One of those times, of course, had been during Spock’s bonding ceremony with T’Lure. She’d actually been quite beautiful. Very tall and regal with long dark hair, which she had put up in braids and ringlets during the ceremony.

She’d treated us, Spock’s friends and then former crewmembers, respectfully and with kindness, if not warmly. She did not know Spock well before their bonding, though she had heard of him, as she had explained to me. She did not seem to have any biases against Spock for his Human half, so that had been in her favor.

One of the last times I had seen her, before her suicide, when Saulvek was eight, was about five years after she had bonded with Spock. I’d had some time off before my next assignment was set to start, so I had come to New Vulcan to see them.

Spock had been away at a meeting and as Saulvek sat nearby with books, T’Lure tended to a garden just outside their home. I sat on a little chair under an awning that had afforded me some shade from the sun.

She had been melancholy then, though I hadn’t recognized how deep that went for her then, nor the source of it, for that matter. I didn’t know her that well. If I had, perhaps I could have encouraged her to seek assistance.

_“You are quiet today, James,” T’Lure said at one point. She always called me James no matter how many times I had corrected her to Jim. I gave up eventually._

_“Am I? I don’t mean to be.”_

_T’Lure studied me for a moment. “You are uneasy about this promotion.”_

_“Nah.” I shrugged. “Maybe?”_

_“You are. You are not certain it is the right path for you.”_

_“I never really thought of myself as admiral material.”_

_“You thought you would still be in command of a starship with…Spock by your side.”_

_It wasn’t something I could deny so I didn’t bother._

_“I did wonder when I was approached about bonding with Spock why he made the decision to leave Starfleet and settle here,” T’Lure said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “It did not seem like it was the choice he wished to make.”_

_I shook my head. “He’d felt some responsibility with regard to the settlement for some time. He’d thought about leaving before, so I wasn’t entirely surprised.”_

_“He changed his mind.”_

_“Yeah, because of Uhura, I think.”_

_T’Lure raised an eyebrow at that. “Negative. Because of you, James.”_

_“Hardly.” I laughed. She didn’t push it, but I could see that she didn’t agree with me. I watched Saulvek for a moment, quietly, while she watched me. “He’s beautiful, your son.”_

_“Yes. If I have done nothing else of value, I have Saulvek to carry on.”_

_I frowned. “T’Lure—”_

_“When next you visit, James, I wish to give you something. Remind me.”_

_“All right.”_

But I didn’t return before she’d killed herself and many times I had been haunted by that conversation without quite knowing why.

I liked Spock’s wife, to be truthful. She had seemed a fitting mate for him in a way Uhura never had to me. And in the end, I think, by the dissolve of their relationship and Uhura’s pairing with Scotty, they had agreed with me.

Spock had not bonded with anyone else after T’Lure’s death. And I never did learn what it was she had wanted to give me.


	4. I Want You to Stay

Despite skepticism, I had no trouble finding my way back to Spock’s place. But I was overheated and very red when I stepped inside.

Spock, predictably, was waiting for me. He wore a barely disguised look of disapproval. “Did you make use of the Triox?”

“No. I figured I’d get back before I needed to.”

“And yet your breathing is labored.”

“Spock, I told you. I can take care of myself.” I smiled faintly and walked passed him, heading toward the room I’d been given to give myself Triox.

I wasn’t entirely surprised when he followed me to the door and watched as I sat on the bed and applied it, returning the second, unused one, to my bag.

“You want to talk about your dad? Or anything, really.” I patted the bed, the spot where I sat. “I’m all rounded ears.”

His lips curved very slightly. “I do not wish to burden you.”

“Spock, you aren’t a burden.” I patted the spot again. “Come on. I won’t bite. Not unless you want me to anyway,” I joked.

He hesitated only a brief minute more before coming into the room and sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed. For some reason he looked vulnerable, like he might break under the strain of holding himself so rigid.

Impulsively I reached for his hand and was surprised, and maybe just a little hurt, when he quickly moved it away when he noticed. But then I saw just the barest lip bite. I reached for it again and was even more surprised when he thrust his hand out toward me and allowed me to take it.

I turned our hands so that our palms touched, warm and tingly. Very pleasant, actually.

“I’m not trying to make out with you.”

Spock blushed then, his cheeks tinged green. “Jim.”

I laughed softly. “Okay. Maybe I am. But not really.”

“You know about Vulcan hands?”

“You are a touch telepath, Spock. And there was the meld the elder you did with me. I saw things.” I licked my lips. “You and Uhura. And you and T’Lure during your bonding. And…other times.”

His gaze met mine. “This causes you distress.”

“No,” I denied.

“I feel it. May I know the source?”

For a moment, I closed my eyes wearily. “Now isn’t the time to go there. You’re mourning your dad.”

“Jim. Please. Speak plainly.”

“There was a time when I…I hoped we would have what they had,” I said softly.

“They?”

“The ambassador and the other Kirk. They shared an intimacy you and I never have or will.” And I tried to ignore the ache in my heart over that proclamation. “But I used to imagine…yes. There was a time I hoped.”

He was staring at me, I felt his gaze but I refused to meet it. Instead I released his hand and put a little more distance between us.

“So, anyway, um, what did you want to talk about?”

“You never said.”

I glanced his way. His dark eyes were so intense, so very dark, I felt trapped by them. “What?”

“You wished to be more…intimate friends.”

And that was easy, wasn’t it? To say simply I wanted us to be better friends, closer. I suppose the younger me might have grasped onto that, being the coward I most certainly was at that age.

“Not exactly.”

“What then?” Spock his tone just shy of a demand.

“I wanted what you had with Uhura. What you had with T’Lure. What they had together. And I wanted it with you. For a long time.”

Forever really.

He stood abruptly. “I must meditate.”

“Wait. What?”

“I must meditate,” he repeated and then left me alone in the room.

****

We did not speak privately again before the ceremony bidding farewell to Sarek’s life. I ended up staying in the room the rest of the night, not hearing further from Spock. In the morning, we went out together with Saulvek, who had come to escort his father.  

It was very solemn and sad.

I had not known Spock’s father particularly well, I wasn’t even sure if Spock had, honestly. Vulcans seemed pretty big on symbolic ceremonies and the service went on for a while, all in Vulcan, of course.

Unlike on Earth, when it was all finished, they all parted ways. No one went back to Spock’s house with a casserole or to speak old memories of the departed.

The three of us walked back together, silent and depressed. I sensed Saulvek wished to stay, but he looked from his father to me and back again, and ultimately excused himself.

As I entered Spock’s house, I felt sadder than ever. I should have gotten to know Saulvek better. It had been too long since I’d made any effort for him. For any of them. All because of my broken heart and dreams.

“You—” Spock began and then stopped. He stood in the middle of his house, looking unbearably alone.

“Spock, you should sit. I’ll make you tea.”

He looked at me. “You are not going back tomorrow, are you?”

I hesitated. “Do you want me to?”

Spock shook his head.

“Then I won’t. Sit, Spock. I’ll get you tea.”

I went into his kitchen and set the pot to boil, fetching the tea leaves. I had seen where everything was earlier. I ended up making it in the firefly mug, and then wondered if I should have.

He was sitting in the chair in the living room areas as I brought it to him. And even I could see that he shook. I set the cup down on a table and knelt in front of him. I took his freezing cold hand.

“Spock. I’m sorry. I know…losing your dad—”

“I am an orphan now.”

“Yeah.”

His gaze flicked to my face. “Like you.”

“Right.” I squeezed his hands. “You want your tea?”

He nodded.

I picked it up and handed it to him.

“When do you want me to leave?” I asked softly.

“I do not want you to leave ever.”

“That is your grief talking,” I chided. 

“It is not,” he insisted. “I admit that I do feel…lost. But I do not want you to leave.”

My heart thundered hard. “What are you saying, exactly, Spock?”

“I wish that you had spoken up before-before everything,” Spock said softly. “I cannot regret my son and yet—”

“Spock.”

“I want you to stay, Jim. Here. On New Vulcan. With me.”  


	5. Convince Me

I found myself sitting completely flat on the floor at his feet, staring up at him in something close to shock.

“I have duties.”

But even as I said that and he continued to look at me with those dark eyes that looked right through me, all that seemed nothing but an excuse.

“You have long been unhappy there,” Spock pointed out. And how exactly he knew that I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t told him that, and yet, maybe I did through all that touch telepathy. And anyway, it was true.

“I…yeah. But.” I couldn’t manage to finish that sentence because I didn’t know what came after that. What came next?

“T’Lure guessed of your affection for me.”

My gaze flew to his. “What? I never told her. I wouldn’t have.”

Spock nodded. “Just as you never told Nyota. And wouldn’t have. Or me.”

I lowered my gaze at the clear soft rebuke of his tone. “Relationships are for other people. Not for me. They never have been.”

“And you would let yourself be alone, die alone, rather than need someone.”

My chest hurt, my throat tightened. But I couldn’t really form a denial as it would be a lie.

“She wondered why you and I were not together upon the ending of my romantic relationship with Nyota.”

“You know why. Saulvek is why. You were helping rebuild. A Vulcan mate made perfect sense. If you weren’t going to be with Uhura, it made sense to be with T’Lure.” I swallowed the heavy lump in my throat. “Completely logical.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed, softly. “I saw it as my duty.”

“And I have duties now.”

“Are they more important than us?”

I blew out a breath that turned into a laugh. “Us? There isn’t really an ‘us’, Spock.”

I looked up at him now, from my spot on the floor, which somehow made me feel far too vulnerable, and yet I couldn’t rise from where I was. Couldn’t make myself do it.

“If you are willing to take the chance, there could be,” Spock replied. “But if you are resigned to ignore what is between us, to continue to ignore what _has been_ between us, and you return to Earth and the duties and the life you have grown to loathe—”

“Spock,” I interrupted. “It’s too late, isn’t it? We’re too old.”

“Both of us have many years left. You do not even know the exact changes brought to you by the transfusion of Khan’s blood. You are scared. I know that. I admit to some trepidation regarding your previous heart ailment but—”

“It was a little thing,” I muttered.

“Do not dismiss your health or my concerns,” Spock snapped angrily, surprising me. “I would do all in my power to ensure your safety and health while you stayed here with me.”

“Great, a Vulcan nursemaid.”

“Jim—”

“ _I know_. I know, Spock. And I know you think I’m being difficult and flippant. But you are right, I am scared. You scare me. You’ve always scared me.” He looked stricken and I shook my head. “No. I mean, not that way. I know you’d never physically hurt me. Previous strangulation attempts notwithstanding.”

“Jim.”

“My heart…hurts, Spock. And not because of my heart troubles. But because I’ve loved you from afar for so long and I just don’t know if I know how to love you any other way.”

He looked away then but only for a moment. When he looked back I could see that he was very determined. A determined Spock could not be swayed.

“The only way to know is to stay with me. Stay here. Whatever you need to stay I will get it. Medications, accommodations. Whatever is needed or required, I will make it happen.”

“You really want this that badly?”

“You know the answer to that.”

Now I did rise from the floor but it was to pace in front of the chair where Spock sat.

“I’d have to resign my commission.”

“Yes.”

“Leave Starfleet.”

“I know it is a lot to ask.”

I nodded.

“If you would prefer to have your own room, to live separately for now, that is understandable and acceptable.”

“So…remain friends,” I said, slowly, considering.

Spock inclined his head. “If it will make things easier for you, then yes. Remaining platonic is agreeable.”

 _Platonic_. Was that what I wanted? Loving and wanting Spock for so long while Spock always had someone else. And now, Spock was alone, save for his son, and I was alone, as I always was, and had thought I always would be. But it didn’t have to be that way. We could be together, as friends, anyway, and maybe, I didn’t know, we’d work our way to something else. If I even wanted that. If Spock did.

Spock was giving me the easy way out. I knew that. And it wasn’t as though I didn’t want…more. But there was a special kind of commitment in that and I—

Was a coward. Probably. But staying here on New Vulcan with Spock, even as just friends, wasn’t it more than I had ever expected to have? Could it ever be enough?

Spock got out of the chair then and walked over to where I was still pacing. He grabbed my forearms.

“Jim.”

My gaze flew to his. He didn’t appear as old as me. Those Vulcan genes, I guessed. And yeah, I suppose I wasn’t really that old, and maybe despite my recent health issues, Khan’s blood would help me in the long run. Not that I hadn’t been injured many times since then, including having to have blood transfusions, so maybe it weakened it all, me, I don’t know.

Suddenly, being platonic friends didn’t seem all that appealing, honestly. I leaned in toward him and softly touched my lips to his. It was a little like kissing a cold statue and I reared back thinking I’d made a mistake, after all.

But just as I was pulling away, out of his arms, out of his reach, he yanked me back, until our chests were flush against each other, his lips covering mine in a kiss so passionate it stole my breath.

It was as though we’d been waiting for years, decades for this, and yeah, I guess we had.

“Spock,” I gasped out, against his mouth.

My world tilted a little and then I realized he’d somehow gotten me to the couch, laying me there. With a little twist of his hand he had my pants undone and then his robe, and he lay over me on the couch, fusing his lips to mine.

Spock curled his fist around both of our erections, which slid together, slick and hard as steel. I clung to him as our mouths seemed to learn each taste of our tongues, every corner of the inside and outside, our lips, our jaws, everywhere.

My mind was a haze of sensation, all thoughts of anything but Spock…Spock…gone from my brain. His grip on our dicks sped up, tightened, got rougher, it was amazing.

There was an explosion in every nerve of my body as I shook with my orgasm crying out against his shoulder, as my cock splurted out. Spock’s own ejaculate joined mine, as his fingers pulled and pumped us to oblivion.

For a long time, we just laid there, him on me, me clinging to him, as though if I let go, he wouldn’t be real.

“Platonic, huh?” I laughed.

He simply kissed my forehead, deciding I didn’t warrant any other response.

I guessed he was right, as I drifted off.  


	6. Leaving

I woke in an unfamiliar bed and realized it was Spock’s and he had moved me there. Unfamiliar but not at all unwelcome. It smelled of him and I found myself reaching for his pillow and holding it up to me.

As I sat up, I noticed there was a small box on the bed beside me and with it was a note from Spock. I recognized his writing.

_T’Lure left this for you to have. I did not find it until recently amongst some items that had been moved to storage by Saulvek. I had nearly forgotten it._

I opened the box and found a journal. As I leafed through it, I realized it was written, of course, in Vulcan, a rather ancient form of it, if I was not mistaken. I could read Vulcan, sparingly, but I was able to make sense of a lot of it. But that was regular script, not this older version. It was beautiful looking anyway. The last page was a note to me and this one was in standard. 

_Dearest James, I hope that this finds you well. When last we visited together, I promised to give you something. I knew then it would be my journal. An odd gift, I believe you would say. It is in a rather difficult form of Vulcan, but I thought you might find deciphering it an amusing challenge, just as I have found deciphering Spock amusing. What I must tell you here, is even though you might fear that you are the cause of my choosing to end my life, you are not. While I am aware that Spock loves you and always has—we share minds as bondmates, remember—it is not some sacrifice I make for him to finally have you. Perhaps if you are able to read the contents here someday you will understand the pain of mental torture I have endured throughout my life. Releasing myself from this is logical. Spock needed a mate and I had hoped at the time that having a bondmate would somehow relieve my mental state. I think we both regret the choices we made though we can not regret Saulvek. With this presentation, it is my wish and belief that you and Spock can finally have the life you should have had prior to our bonding. Why he did not declare to you before I will never know. May you both be well._

I frowned. It made little sense to me. But one thing that I could figure out was that she had intended this correspondence to reach me directly after she had died, not all these years later. She had thought Spock and I would become mates. Clearly, she had underestimated our stubbornness.

There was a short tap on the door before it opened to reveal Spock. He held in his hand a mug that smelled of strong coffee. I smiled.

“For me?”

“There is no other.”

And though it could have meant no one else in the room, the simple words seemed much heavier in meaning that I would have previously given credit to. I reached for the mug as he handed it to me, his gaze straying to T’Lure’s journal.

“I think she intended to give me you.”

He arched a brow.

I shrugged. “Basically. I think she thought you and I would come to this point much sooner than we have.” I handed him her journal. “Can you read it?”

Spock shook his head. “A Vulcan dialect I am unfamiliar with. I wonder that she wrote it in that manner.”

“Probably didn’t want prying eyes.” Spock handed it back to me. “I’m not sure, really, but I think she believed we wasted a lot of time not being together.” I set aside the journal. “If she only knew how much time.”

Spock sat on the edge of the bed. “There were many times throughout our marriage that she expressed to me I should be more in contact with you.”

“Why weren’t you?”

“Because I yearned for something…someone, I could not have.”

“You could have had me.”

 “I was bonded to another,” Spock said, softly, reaching for my hand. “And that was my error but one that could not be undone.”

“Until it was by her death.” I shook my head. “She said that was not her intention, and yet, ultimately it led to the same, whether intended or not. And still you did not express that you wanted to be with me.”

Spock’s expression grew pained. And I wasn’t sure what I really expected as I had not come forward with my own feelings at any point.

“Never mind,” I said at last. “What point is there, really, in constantly beating ourselves up over what might have been, but wasn’t.”

He stared at me intently then, dark eyes a swirling storm of emotions. How anyone ever bought the Vulcans didn’t feel thing, I didn’t know.

“You have made your decision.” A statement rather than a question.   

I moistened my lips with my tongue and met that stormy gaze. “Yes.”

“You will stay with me?”

I smiled, for there was little way to prevent it. “I will, yes. I’ve wanted to be with you for an eternity and if you want me—”

“There is no question of what I want, Jim. I want you here, with me, never leaving.”

I stroked the top of his hand with my fingertips. “About that. I can’t stay.”

“Jim—”

“No. I mean, I want to. But I have to go back to Earth and—”

“You can resign your commission over a video conference.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I know. But I had already agreed to do this stupid publicity thing.”

Spock frowned. “Publicity?”

“For the Enterprise-B. It’s the maiden voyage under that green captain, John Harriman. I don’t know, I guess they want to make a big deal of it and have me there. Scotty’s going to be there, too. Anyway, while I am there, I will tell them I’m done and then I’ll get everything in order there and return here to New Vulcan and you.”

Spock blinked rapidly and stood up from the bed. “Jim.”

“What? Are you okay? I swear, it’s no big deal, Spock. I’ll come back.”

He took a deep breath and then exhaled. “No, you will not.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those not entirely up on TOS, the Enterprise-B was the ship that Admiral Kirk was on when he "disappeared" after the unprepared Enterprise went to rescue a distressed ship.


	7. I Promise You

Spock in all the time I’d known him was not given into dramatics or theatrics. Nor did he show physical distress often. But just then after such a declaration, he had lost several shades of normal color for him to the point I was quite concerned for him.

I frowned. “Spock—”

“You must trust me that you cannot go, Jim.”

“I do trust you, but—”

“ _No_.” He very nearly shouted.

I was taken aback, but not even Spock could intimidate me easily. “Spock,” I said, attempting to be reasonable. “I already gave my word that I would do it.”

“Then you will have to take it back.”

“I can’t—”

“You can. You must.” Spock was becoming more and more agitated as he paced back and forth in front of me. “I do not resort to begging on a normal basis, but I will do so, willingly, in this instance.”

Very slowly, I nodded. “Will you explain then?”

“It is the way…it is how…” He could not finish and he had begun to shake. “Ashayam, I am not strong enough.”

“Hey, hey.” I stood up and went to him then, grasping his biceps and gazing into his troubled dark eyes. I couldn’t recall seeing him this way before. “Come on. You can tell me anything. You always could.”

“The ambassador.”

“Ambassador Spock?”

He nodded. “He gave me information once, long ago.” He paused. “Obviously. It was at a time, it meant little to me then, as I was still with Nyota and I had anticipated that continuing far into the future.”

“I see.”

Spock shook his head, his mouth downturned. “I had convinced myself that we would never be them. Could never be them. Our circumstances were different and would always remain so.”

“You mean our counterparts.”

Spock nodded.

“Okay. Well, then, I don’t see how—”

“Please. He and his captain had a…special relationship.”

“Special,” I repeated. “You mean they were lovers.”

“Much more. Bondmates, husbands. They were part of each other’s existence.”

I’d suspected there was something like that between them, but to have that confirmation was something else, and I felt a sense of loss and disappointment down in my gut that Spock had been so sure that was not going to be the case for us. No wonder it took us so long to get to this point. The point of now, whatever we were.

“We shared a meld the last time I visited with him on New Vulcan after your-your-after Khan.”

I nodded. I recalled that during my recovery period before the Enterprise was ready to go out again, he had gone to New Vulcan.

“He shared with me the circumstances of his husband’s demise,” Spock continued.

“That must have been…difficult.”

“Indeed. But he was very strong. Much more so than I ever could be. He endured such pain that I am unable to endure, Jim.”

“Spock—”

“Jim, circumstances on the Enterprise-B, that very voyage you have agreed to go on with Captain Harriman, that is how the Ambassador lost his husband. He was ripped away during an emergency rescue and never recovered. Not by Spock, who mourned him for the rest of his days.”

I moistened my lips. “And he shared this with you?”

“Yes.”

“But why?”

“I can only imagine so that it would not happen to me as it happened to him. There were differences in our timelines, ashayam, but some things were universally constant.”

I shook my head in denial. “You said yourself we could never be them. Just because that happened to me-to him for that Spock—”

I saw his eyes dim, hope and everything in him, deflate in that moment. He had just been convinced that he had lost. He lowered his lashes to cover my seemingly callous dismissal, but it was too late. I had seen everything. Even the tears that had begun to form in the corners of his eyes.

And really? All this for a stupid publicity stunt I hadn’t even wanted to do, but felt some sense of obligation to do?

Spock was trying to pull away then, and not very effectively, which told me a lot about his state of being in that moment, so I held him fast, and raised one hand to his cheek. His gaze flew to mine, torment still evident, the tears he’d fought to suppress still hiding in the corners.

“Okay,” I whispered.

He stared at me, confusion warring with renewed hope.

“I won’t. I won’t do it.”

Spock sucked in a breath. “Truly?”

I smiled a little, rubbing my thumb on his soft cheek. “I never ever want to hurt you. If not going to this stupid thing will make you happy, then that’s what I’ll do. Spock, honey, it’s not that important. It doesn’t mean even one-tenth as much as you do to me.”

He pulled me tightly to him, crushed me to him, really, and I wrapped my arms around his back, holding onto him. I could probably count on one hand how many times over the years Spock and I had hugged, and it wasn’t nearly enough, and I would be sure to rectify that now, because damn he gave the best hugs ever.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Spock whispered. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

My own eyes pricked with tears. “I’m pretty sure that’s I love you.”

He nodded, squeezing me tighter. “Very much.”

“I love you, too. More than anything. And I’m ready for this. Ready for us.”

What I wasn’t ready for was telling Starfleet my decision about leaving, about the Enterprise-B. But for Spock, yeah, I’d do anything.  


	8. Ex-Admiral Kirk

I wanted to, perhaps, do a bit more bodily exploring, given that we’d waited so long and there was that agreement about not being platonic, but Spock had agreed to meet Saulvek and though Spock had said I was welcome to come along, I decided it was the perfect opportunity to comm with Starfleet about my resignation.

“Jim.”

I could see that Spock was reluctant to leave me to it. He lingered by the door to his house and while I could not exactly say he fretted, he was…fretting, yes.

“Spock, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going to agree to anything.”

He opened his mouth and then closed it.

“I wouldn’t without discussing it with you, all right?” I went to him then and drew him close, framing his face with my hands. “I’m not going to fuck this up.”

“I know. I am…unsettled.”

“Sweetheart, you’re going to have to trust me. I can do this. Okay?”

Spock nodded, but I could tell it was still with some reluctance. I kissed him and for a moment he stayed stiff and unyielding, but then he softened in my arms, opening his mouth for mine. He put his hands on my waist and pulled me closer and for a long time we just kissed and held each other against the door.

After a while I pulled back. “You’re going to be late meeting your son. Go and have a good lunch with him and when you come back, we’ll have tea and talk or we’ll go back to bed, or both, whatever you want.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered against my lips.

I knew it was an ancient Vulcan word and even as he said it there was a strange awareness that ghosted around us, causing the hair on the back of my neck to ripple. His eyes widened in wonder and he kissed me anew.

“Spock.” I laughed. “Saulvek.”

He sighed. “Yes. All right. I will return as soon as I am able.”

“I know.” I touched his chest and then rubbed my fingers along his, then moved past him to open the door. He walked out, his color high in his cheeks, and I closed the door behind him.

I sagged against the door and glanced around Spock’s house. I guessed it would be mine now too, which was a little strange. When I’d come for Sarek’s funeral I had no idea I’d be staying. And should I return to Earth for my belongings? Medications? To resolve my living situation there. If I did, I could tell Starfleet in person, but…

That was just putting off the inevitable.

Spock had a terminal in one of the rooms, I’d seen it earlier when I’d been wandering around, so I went there. Part of me hoped when I called up for Agnes Ferrari that she would be unavailable. But unfortunately, luck wasn’t with me and she appeared a few minutes later.

She was older than me by maybe ten years, and once a really long time ago, we’d had a very brief fling. It had happened the year I spent recovering after Khan and before the Enterprise went on its first five-year. She was a quarter Betazoid and had the dark eyes of that species.

“Jim, you’re still on New Vulcan?”

“I am. How are you, Agnes?”

“Very good. I thought you’d be on your way home by now.”

“Yeah. Well. Circumstances have changed. Mine have anyway.”

“Oh?” Her face showed polite interest, but I could see the sharpness in her gaze.

I smiled. “I’m going to be relocating to New Vulcan permanently.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “May I ask why?”

“Sure. I have entered into a relationship with Spock and he’s asked me to stay. I agreed.”

“I…see. Then I suppose congratulations are in order.”

“They are, yes, and thank you. Which means I’ll be resigning my commission with Starfleet. Call it retirement.”

“You’re hardly old enough to retire, Jim. There’s no need to resign. You can still perform the majority of your duties there and when necessary, you can travel to San Francisco or wherever you might be required.”

I took a deep breath and released it slowly. “That’s not going to work for me, Agnes. Considering some recent health issues, the stress is getting to be too much for me, and after discussing it with Spock, we’ve decided that it’s best I end my career at this time.”

“We, is it? So that’s how it is?”

I tried not to be offended by her smirk. I smiled serenely, more convinced than ever that this was the right decision. “That’s how it is. Which brings up something else, Agnes. I won’t be participating in the shakedown voyage of the Enterprise-B.”

Agnes frowned. “Wait. What? But you— ”

“I know, I said I would. I’ve changed my mind.”

“ _You’ve_ changed your mind or Spock has?”

I sighed. “You’re out of line, Agnes.”

“Am I? Jim, you gave your word and they’re counting on your participation.”

“Well, they can uncount on it.”

“Does your word mean something or not?”

“I guess it doesn’t,” I replied, coldly. “In fact, maybe they should rethink the whole thing anyway.”

She looked angry. I didn’t care. “And why is that? It’s a simple shakedown.”

“There’s never anything simple with the Enterprise and Harriman is as green as they get. The El-Aurians—”

“If you’re not a part of Starfleet anymore, I guess there’s nothing left for us to say.”

“Agnes—”

“And talk about green. Weren’t you the youngest captain ever? And only because you got lucky and saved Pike’s ass.”

“I know you’re pissed.”

“If I’m angry it’s because I expected more integrity out of you.”

I waved this aside. “Keep your personal feelings out of this. I’ve more than shown my worth.”

“Is this your final say on the matter?” she demanded.

“Yes.”

“We’ll be in touch. Ferrari out.”

And she was gone.

It went about as well as I expected, but it was done, anyway. There’d be more things to deal with. Red tape. Closing out my life there. Telling Bones about the changes in my life. And perhaps talking to someone who was a little more reasonable about the dangers of that mission. But I had kept my word to Spock and more than that, I felt that resigning and not doing their shakedown mission was the right choice for me.

For the new me anyway. Already I felt more relaxed and freer than I had in a long time.

I left the little office with the terminal and went to Spock’s room. Mine now, too, I guessed. Which would still take some getting used to. I picked up T’Lure’s journal and perused it. It made no more sense to me now than it had before. But I guessed, I’d have time now.


	9. Finding the Way

I woke to the touch of fingers on my face and as I came to full awareness, I realized I had fallen asleep on my back on Spock’s bed, T’Lure’s journal open on my chest. Spock sat on the edge of the bed, fingers still resting on my face, a gentle barely there touch.

“Hey.” I moistened my lips. I truly looked at him. He looked so good still. Barely any change at all from his youth, from when he first stood up to accuse me of cheating, pulling that black professor’s uniform down. Perhaps there was the barest hint of gray in his hair and teeny tiny lines by his eyes, but really, they were barely noticeable, unless you’d spent years admiring his visage as I had done. “Back already?”

“I have been absent for three hours.”

“Oh.”

“Did you contact Starfleet?”

And of course that would be the first thing on Spock’s mind. I could tell he was quite anxious about it still and desperately trying to hide that.

“Yeah.” I struggled up, trying to sit, and Spock assisted me, fluffing up pillows behind me to prop myself on. “Sorry, still a bit groggy.”

He nodded and picked up the journal setting it aside.

“Still have no idea what any of that says. Maybe I never will.”

“It is possible. I do know that she liked you a great deal.”

“Yeah?”

Spock looked solemn then. “Even after all these years of proving yourself, you still have so much self-doubt in your mind about how truly worthy you are of respect and admiration.”

I laughed softly and rubbed the stiffness out of the back of my neck. “Yeah, well. Things went pretty badly during the call to Starfleet.”

He had taken my other hand, the one not rubbing my neck, and held on to it. It seemed out of place with what I knew of Spock. I had not seen him so openly affectionate with Uhura or T’Lure, but perhaps he had been in private moments where I had not been included.

“They refused to allow you to resign?”

“No, nothing like that. I didn’t give them any choice. It was…difficult. I spoke to Agnes Ferrari.”

His eyes narrowed slightly and I knew then that he had been aware of my prior dalliance with her. When he had no immediate response, I continued.

“She was…well a bitch, frankly, about the whole thing.”

“I am sorry, Jim.”

I smiled slightly. “There was a reason things didn’t work between me and her. I could have made a fuss about having to deal with her as an admiral, but for the most part, our prior relationship didn’t interfere. This time, well, she was quite clearly pissed and letting me have it.”

Spock hesitated. “She did not convince you to change your mind about…anything?”

“Do you mean am I doing the shakedown after all?”

He squeezed my hand then, not painfully, but definitely with the purpose of holding on to me, more than just physically, I thought.

“Are you?”

I could tell it took him a great deal of effort to ask such a question and I realized looking at him, how very vulnerable he was these days. Whether it was because of so much loss or finally being open to us, maybe both, I didn’t know. But he hadn’t shown me this much softness and vulnerability since the warp core chamber of so many years ago.

“No, honey. I said I wouldn’t. I promised you. I’m not going back on that, Spock. No matter what.”

He looked away from me a moment and I could see he was struggling with far too much emotion for his comfort zone. I squeezed his hand this time and his gaze flew back to mine.

“Forgive me,” he said. “I do not wish to be so…” He stopped, not finishing.

“You aren’t. And there’s nothing to forgive. How’d lunch go with Saulvek?”

He looked relieved to change the subject. “It went well. I advised him of our change in status and that you would now be living here with me. He was pleased.”

“Saulvek pleased?”

Spock’s lips twitched. “As pleased as most Vulcans ever get. But yes. If you were concerned at all that he would have an objection to us, you may be rest assured he does not.”

I frowned. “Well, I hadn’t been. But now that you mention it, maybe I should have.”

“Jim.”

“I’m glad he’s okay with this,” I assured him, bringing his hand up to my mouth to place kisses all over it. I smiled. “Come lie with me.”

His eyebrow shot up for only a brief time before he was releasing my hand to adjust to him lying fully on the bed. We faced each other.

“I need to send for my things. Notify Bones. Stuff like that. I think I’d rather not go back for any of it. Let them send it here.”

“Agreed,” Spock said. “It gives them less of a chance to try to persuade you. It is one thing over a comm, but in person—”

I touched my fingers to his lips. “I’m not leaving you, Spock. I promise.”

He moved over me then, kissing my lips, softly at first, and then when I began to kiss him back fervently, he kissed me more deeply, with more feeling and passion.

This was all still new to us, the physical between us and I felt the tremble in each of us. I slipped my hand between us and then very carefully into the opening of his Vulcan robe.

Spock gasped when, after some exploration, my hand closed over his length. He groaned against my lips as he began to grow longer and harder in my grip.

It wasn’t long before his fingers were opening the fly of my pants, reaching in to curl his fingers around my hardening cock. I arched up against him, as my whole body tingled with the feel of him stroking me.

I moved onto him, adjusting our bodies and clothing so that our erections slid against each other as we both continued to stroke the other’s cock. Soon we were humping against the other, faster, more frantically, our groans sounding loud in the quiet of the room, our opened mouth kisses making loud smacking noises.

I was so close, and somehow, through the contact of our skin, I knew Spock was too. So close.

His free hand reached to my face, fingers spreading across my cheekbone, hesitating only long enough for my nod of permission. Then he joined our minds, searching through mine, until he found what he sought.

Stars burst behind my eyelids as I cried out for the intense pleasure, my cock releasing ropes of cum alongside his. For several moments after, Spock rubbed our mixed seed into us, each other, our softening lengths, the softer skin of our thighs.

After a while, this ceased too, and his arms came up around my waist and back, holding me in place on top of him. He fell asleep first and I listened to his soft, logical breathing, I thought with a smile, until I gave into the need to close my eyes and join him.           


	10. A Terrible Choice

According to Spock, New Vulcan never got as truly hot as Vulcan Prime had. Unfortunately, I had to take his word for it, as I had never had the pleasure or occasion to visit it before its destruction.

As late afternoon began to turn to early evening, I found it was the best time to enjoy being outside, and so, I had taken to spending those times, under an awning, on the patio of Spock’s house. Our house, Spock repeatedly reminded me.

Not that I had been there all that long. Just two weeks since I had decided to accept his invitation to reside with him there. I hadn’t even gotten my stuff sent yet, not all of it anyway, though Bones had sent me some medications he had thought I would need.

His entire reaction to the news I would be living with Spock, in all senses of the word, I supposed, was one of an odd mixture of relief and resignation. He had not even tried to argue or convince me otherwise. He had merely said he would order my medications to be sent. And he had included a promise to visit.

I was a little concerned myself, for Bones seemed rather tired and worn down himself, though he had assured me he was fine.

Anyway, the chair I sat in outside was one that had been inside until I had decided it made a better accommodation for my afternoon reading on the patio. Next to me was a huge glass of iced tea Spock had insisted I take with me for my afternoons.

At first he had questioned whether he was supposed to join me there, a prospect I could tell did not meet with great enthusiasm from him, and when I assured him it was time I wanted to myself, with no offense intended, Spock had been relieved. While still insisting on certain conditions. Like the iced tea, sitting under the awning, having my medications near and only spending an hour out there.

And so I sat with my PADD and my journal, or rather, T’Lure’s journal, which she had left to me.

Surprisingly, I was making headway. At least of the introductory page, at any rate, that she had addressed to me.

_James_

_I must congratulate you on your intelligence if you are able to decipher this. As you no doubt have figured out by now, not only is this in an antiquated Vulcan dialect, but also, in code. I always knew you were exceptionally brilliant._

_As I indicated to you in my note left with the journal, I thought it might amuse you to figure out, just as it amused me to create it. In this, I think we both are alike in desiring challenges in life._

_Vulcans value duty almost above anything else, as you no doubt have guessed, and the one you love is certainly no exception to that. I am certain that is why Spock chose the life he did with me when that choice was provided to him. Or to put it more simply, for Spock, it was truly never a choice._

_I, too, am a victim of duty._

_What you do not know is that as a young child, I was also a victim of mind intrusion, mind rape, if you will. The reason I survived the destruction of our home planet, James, is because my parents had made the decision to depart their home for another planet long before it was destroyed. I did not grow up on Vulcan as so many others, Spock included, had._

_My parents had a colleague on this planet who was far more powerful a telepath than any of us. And he spent the entirety of our acquaintance manipulating all of our minds. We went years before we knew the truth of his true intentions, which was to use us as experiments._

_By the time we were separated from him, he had already succeeded in driving my mother to insanity. He was well on his way to doing so for my father, me and my younger brother._

_What they ultimately decided was that I was unstable. Not exactly insane, but not of the mind I had originally been born with. It took me many years of treatment to even be able to accept a bond with another, and Spock was chosen for me because he was only half-Vulcan, and also did not have the demands of me that other male Vulcans might. They had hoped, after the treatment, and with the bonding of one as stable and kind as Spock, as well as accepting of one as different as I was, that my mind would reverse some of the torture it had been subjected to during my…captivity. For that was truly what it was._

_Ultimately, they were wrong._

I closed the journal as well as my eyes. Already her story had deeply affected me and I had barely begun to read her thoughts. I’d had no idea she had gone through any of this. Of course, why would I have known?

The door to the house opened.

“Jim?”

“Here.” I knew he wanted me to come in, as it was already ten minutes past my usual hour, but I wanted to sit there for just a moment more. His footsteps approached and when he looked down at me, I tried a smile.

“Your eyes are red.” His gaze went to the journal on my lap.

I set it aside and patted my leg. “Sit a moment.”

“I am too heavy.”

“ _Spock_. Sit.”

He hesitated only a second more before perching himself on my lap. But he did not relax, and instead kept himself very straight and rigid. I closed my hand around his upper arm.

“Did you know?” I asked softly.

“About what?”

“About what had been done to her and her family in captivity?”

Spock looked out over his garden, which was just beyond the patio. After a while, he nodded. “Yes. My father had insisted I be informed of everything with regard to T’Lure before I made my decision. It was presented to me that I was her last hope for any kind of a normal life.”

“That was a lot of pressure for you. With that and the idea of helping with the population.”

“Yes,” he whispered.

“And so you accepted.”

“I felt it was my duty. Nyota and I had decided to part ways romantically, and I had not truly analyzed my own feelings for you, nor did I examine yours for me.”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the chair. “I think that even if you had recognized that we loved each other so completely, you would have chosen to bond with T’Lure.”

He didn’t answer and really, I wasn’t expecting one, for we both knew I was right.

In the end, no one had been left happy.

I opened my eyes to find him staring at me, dark eyes fathomless. I smiled and patted his leg. “Okay. Let’s go inside.”

He stood up then and pulled me up from the chair too, drawing me close. Spock seldom indulged in hugs outside of a sexual nature, but when he did they were so tight I could barely catch my breath. This was one of those.

“I love you, Jim. Forever.”

“I know, honey. I love you too. Come on. I’ll make us dinner.” I was pretty sure I’d need a day or two before I could read more.   


	11. Anxiety

 That night, from dinner on, Spock hovered nearby. Even while I prepared dinner, he stayed just on the edge of my vision, even when pretending to meditate.

I turned the dinner conversation to more casual things. How the colony progressed, when Saulvek would next visit, what duties Spock would have in place of his father, for they had spoken of Spock being the Ambassador to Earth in place of Sarek. It wasn’t until I turned my attention to the idea of returning to San Francisco for more of my things, that Spock’s interest became particularly caught.

“I thought you had decided to have them sent here so that you would not be required to go back,” Spock said, sharply.

“I know. But I’ve been thinking and—”

“You have grown tired of being here with only me.”

“Spock, no.” But the thing was, he wasn’t entirely wrong. For the most part, throughout my life, I had enjoyed social interaction, liked going out with friends. And in truth the only one I knew here was Spock. Even Saulvek, who I didn’t much see, was close to a stranger.

It was Spock who sighed. “I know that you love me, Jim. I feel it, I see it in our minds. You would not have agreed to stay nor to forgo the mission you had agreed to do, because I asked, if you did not. And you feel trapped here.”

“Not trapped.”

“Bored. You seek something more exciting than life here with me.”

His voice had gone very quiet and resigned.

“I could go for only a week, get my things, close everything up, and be back here before you’d even have time to miss me.”

He nodded. “Yes, of course, you must go.”

Spock avoided my gaze after that, cleaning up the dinner dishes in silence, leaving me to feel like the horse’s ass I surely was.

And yet, part of me did worry I would be trapped by his growing state of anxiety, which I knew it was. Just as he could feel and see that I loved him, waves of anxiety poured off him. Before I went anywhere, I needed to address it with him.

“Spock, we need to talk.”

I saw his dark eyes widen slightly and knew that he imagined nothing but negativity. But he agreed.

He sat on the couch first and when I went to sit beside him, he drew me down to sit on his lap instead.

“Aren’t I too heavy? I’ve gained a little weight.”

“You are not too heavy,” he said reproachfully.

I held his hands between mine. He felt cold.

“There aren’t any words strong enough to describe how much I love you,” I told him.

“It is the same for me.”

“Good. I’m glad. I want you to know, I’m not going to go anywhere until you and I are one hundred percent okay. And if you want, you can even come with me, and then we won’t be separated at all. We don’t have to be, ever again, if that’s what you want.”

“What do you want?”

I smiled. “For you to be happy and at ease. And I’ll do whatever that takes to make it that way.”

“You must want something.”

I shook my head. “What I wanted has always been you, and I have that now.”

“Jim.”

I shrugged. “It’s true, Spock. Where we live, where we go, none of that matters. Not to me, not anymore. I spent a lot of my life alone. I had friends, lovers, companions, but no one like you. And I never expected to have you. Call it soulmates, call it T’hy’la, bondmates, bffs, I don’t care what it’s called. But before you came into my life, all those years ago, my heart…well, it was a virgin, like the old song said, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and I never will, and I expected to spend what life I have left alone. And now I don’t have to. I have the ultimate. _I have you_. Honey, I don’t care about anything or anyone else. I’ll stay here the rest of my days and never ever leave, even to get my belongings, if that’s what you need and want. Okay?”

He leaned his head against mine. “You make me feel foolish.”

I laughed. “I don’t mean to.”

“Of course you can go to San Francisco,” Spock said. “But, I would like to accompany you.”

“You got it.”

“You are so perfect, that I feel—”

“Perfect?” I laughed again. “You must be delusional.”

“Jim.”

“Sorry.”

Spock pulled his hands from my grasp, put his arms around me, and drew me close. “The things you have read in T’Lure’s journal.”

When he didn’t go on, I prompted, “Yeah?”

“I am afraid you will find my part in it quite lacking.”

“Lacking?” I frowned.

“I made many mistakes then, Jim. Nyota and I ended our relationship, and I admit to feeling a failure there, I was unable to provide her what she required of me. And then, I believed that you only felt friendship for me. A deep friendship, but that was all it would be for us. I believed. T’Lure was presented to me in such a way…it was unbelievably arrogant of us, in hindsight.”

“What do you mean?”

“To think that bonding her with me, with anyone, could undo the damage that had been wrecked on her. The healers were wrong. To T’Lure’s ultimate detriment. She tried and I tried. I did. But neither of us could save her.”

“I know, sweetheart. And I’m sorry. But they shouldn’t have expected that of you, and of her.”

“I blamed myself for her suicide for a long time.”

“You still do, to some extent, don’t you?”

Spock swallowed audibly. “Yes. I tried to help her. Both myself and Saulvek. We were unsuccessful.”

“It was too much for the three of you and unfair.”

“Sometimes, I feel as though my life has been wasted. I didn’t have you and I couldn’t help her.”

I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him. “It’s not wasted. Your love and compassion is never wasted. Your son is not wasted. And you have me now. Some people never even get _that_.”

Spock nodded, or tried to, with me holding on to him. He closed his eyes. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

I smiled at him. “I cherish you, too. Let’s go to bed.”


	12. Saulvek's Visit

Making love with Spock was not quite what I had expected in reality. Over the many years of knowing each other, I had fantasized often what it could and should be, in my head. There’d always been elements of roughness, almost savagery, dominance.

Maybe it was our ages. Maybe it was his caution of me, always, it seemed, well aware of what a fragile human I actually was, despite Khan’s blood infusion, but since I’d joined Spock on New Vulcan and we had begun the intimacy I had so long craved, the reality of our sexual relationship was much more tender and loving than my imaginings.

There was passion and intensity. That was there, no mistake about it. But he was never overbearing or rough. Never held me down against my will. Never made me feel threatened in any way. Just loved and wanted.

I suspected that, our life experiences, for both of us, had shaped the men we had become, both together and apart. And whatever we might have been, had we connected then as men in our thirties, that had changed now, with the maturity of living through life.

Having T’Lure to care for, I think, changed Spock.

I had no complaints, however, for I always rose from our bed feeling extremely satisfied. 

When the time came for us to go to San Francisco, as I was packing small articles to take with me while there, I was surprised by a knock on the door. Knowing I was alone in the house, I left our room to answer it and was confronted with Spock’s son, Saulvek.

“Oh. Hi. Your dad’s out, making arrangements for our departure.”

Saulvek nodded as he stepped inside. “I am aware. I came to speak with you, Jim.”

“Oh.” I know my look was quizzical based on the tiniest hint of smile around the young Vulcan’s lips.

“Fear not, I am not here to protest your relationship with Father. In fact, I fully approve of it.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. You are good for each other I believe. My only regret, though wholly illogical, is that you did not have the wisdom, either of you, to become what you are prior to the present time.”

“Yeah, we were slow.”

That trace of amusement again. “Quite.” He moved to the kitchen with the utmost familiarity of someone who had grown up in the house. He was making himself tea, filling a kettle and taking down a teapot. It was oddly shaped, but beautiful in a glossy purple color. “I made this pot myself, you know.”

“I didn’t.”

Saulvek nodded. “As a boy. We had a human teacher at our school for ceramics.”

“They taught Vulcans ceramics?”

He shrugged. “Why not? One of our projects was to make something for our mother for Mother’s Day. Of course we had no concept of that day, but the teacher insisted. I presented it to Mother on the day we were informed was appropriate.”

I came to sit on a stool by the kitchen counter to listen to him. “And? Did she declare it illogical?”

“She did not,” he said softly. “She cried and said no one had ever thought to present her with a gift.”

“I’m sorry, Saulvek. I don’t mean to make light of what she went through.”

“You owe no apology. Mother was a unique Vulcan in many ways, most directly from her circumstances.” Saulvek paused. “Tea?”

“Please.”

“I know that you were presented with her personal journal so you are aware of Mother’s background.”

“Yes.”

“In fact, this is what I wish to speak with you about.”

“You want it back?”

“No, Jim. You misunderstand.” Saulvek poured two cups of tea from the pot. “Father’s life over these many years has been all about duty. To speak perhaps with too much emotion, he has been consumed by it.” The small smile returned. “A personal disclosure, if I may.”

“Of course.”

“I have been in extensive contact with Father’s half-brother, Sybok, who does not follow the logical teachings of Surak. He has had, therefore, a bit of an influence on me. This is something I kept hidden from Grandfather when he was alive, but Father is aware.”

I nodded. “I see.”

“My point here, Jim, is that, I realize that Father has many years still left, or at least I hope so, and I hope that you will be able to join him in much of that time yourself, and I would like that time, if you will agree, to be mostly, trouble-free.”

“I don’t intend to cause him trouble, Saulvek.”

“Yes. And I appreciate that you are allowing him to accompany you to San Francisco. He feels more secure with you and I feel more secure knowing that you are able to watch out for him. I ask that, as you take care of him, you also take care of yourself, for his sake, for your sake, and for mine.”

I smiled. “It’s my intention to do so.” I sipped the tea.

He was silent for a moment, then said, “I trust that you do not judge Mother too harshly.”

“Oh, God, not at all.”

“Even though she kept you and Father apart for longer than perhaps you should have been?”

“Saulvek, that was through no fault of T’Lure’s. Or Spock’s. And definitely not yours. Circumstances were against it, maybe so that we could reach this place, this maturity, before we were together. I don’t know. But I don’t blame your mother or anyone else. Kaiidth.”

He seemed to relax then. “I am gratified. I believe she blamed herself. She knew of his love for you as they were bonded and he could not hide it from either of us. Jim, I also wish to thank you.”

“For what?”

“Coming here. To New Vulcan for Grandfather’s funeral. You are his only friend who did. I think that he felt somewhat abandoned by many when he chose helping my mother over other ways of life, and that you, his most treasured friend, came during this time, well, it meant a lot to both of us. Thank you.”

“You owe me no thanks. I should have kept in better touch than I did. But it was…painful,” I admitted, my chest feeling tight. “It was selfish. I should have realized he needed me.”

“You realize it now and have made him and me happy. So, therefore, I do owe you thanks.” He took his now empty teacup to the sink and rinsed it and the teapot out. “I will take my leave now. Please have a safe trip to Earth, and also, please keep in touch with me while you are there.”

“So you won’t worry?”

The touch of a smile. “Yes.”

Saulvek came around the kitchen counter and I walked him to the door. I was startled when he drew me to him, hugging me. And I was fully human, so my eyes pricked with tears as I hugged him back.

His fingers ghosted across my face as he released me. “I am honored to have you as another father.”

And then he departed.

I was left feeling oddly grateful to Sybok, who I had never met, for his influence of Saulvek. One thing was for sure, I would be looking out for Spock. That promise I would keep.       


End file.
